Mother is a Verb

Mother is a Verb

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Christmas 2006


Highlights from our 2006 Budget

Instead of writing our usual letter this year, we decided to entertain you with some of the more sordid details of our annual budget. But before you analyze the financial data contained in the attached memo, it may help to review these notes:

We decided to sell our New York house so that we could buy a ski house in Colorado. We bought a ski house. We furnished the ski house. We paid a lawyer to set up a tax shelter that required us to rent aforementioned ski house. We hired a real estate agent to rent ski house. We had lots of people ask to rent ski house. We decided that we didn’t really want to rent ski house. We paid a lawyer to disassemble the tax shelter. We didn’t sell our NY house. We spent a lot of money fixing up the NY house. We still didn’t sell the NY house. We paid lots of taxes on both houses.

We said a bad word.

We took the family to Disneyland. We met every Disney princess. Each princess apparently had a secret for each other princess. Cameron was lucky enough to be the chosen secret carrier. We spent most of our time in Disneyland trying to find whichever princess the secret of the day was for. They were some expensive secrets.

The rest of the time we spent driving to Hollywood for lunch.

While driving to Hollywood for lunch, Cam had to pee. Cam “I have to pee”. Phil: “I can’t pull over here. Someone give him a water bottle.” Me: “You want him to pee in a water bottle?” Phil: “Sure, I used to do it all the time.” Me: “You used to pee in a water bottle?” Phil: “Yeah, all guys do…hey, Willie, climb to the back and help Cam ‘steer the ship.’” Will: “No way Dad, I love Cam, but there is no way that I’m going back there to help him ‘steer the ship’.” Nicki: “Eww, move over, I’m climbing up front”. Kevin: “I’m not helping him….ouch, Nicki you’re stepping on me”! Cam: “I unzipped my pants”. Phil: “Ok, put it in the water bottle”. Me “You want him to put it IN the water bottle??”
Phil “Sure, I used to do it all the time.” Cam: “Ok, I put it in the bottle.” Me: “You used to put in a water bottle!?” Cam, gleefully: “I’m peeing!” Phil: “Good job. Be careful…don’t spill---hey Will get back there and make sure he doesn’t spill” Will: “Sorry Dad, no way.” Cam: “Oops, it spilled!” Phil: “Damn!” Me: “You used to put it IN a water bottle?” Phil: “Actually, maybe it was a Gatorade bottle”…

Kristen said “Mom, you were right.” She did. I swear. Last night. Of course, then she asked for money. And a new dress. When Kris and Phil college-tripped from Maryland to Florida last spring break, they played a game in which the object was to put the ugliest people you saw on the other person’s team before they could put them on yours. Nice father-daughter bonding experience, eh? We’ve worked hard on helping Kristen develop this empathetic, non-judgmental, ‘beauty is more than skin-deep’ view of the world. Maybe you’d like Kris to teach your kids how to play.

At the ripe old age of 14, Kev decided that he’d had enough of us. In late August, he headed to school in Colorado Springs without a backwards glance. Despite our fervent hopes that this boarding experience would develop his sense of personal responsibility and hygiene…on Parents Weekend we were dismayed to find that he still decorates his room with dirty socks, crumpled boxer shorts and empty Gatorade bottles…hmm… must be a father/son thing. When he arrived home for Thanksgiving break his duffel was filled with wet clothes. “I didn’t have enough quarters for the dryer.” he claimed. While in many ways, he is still our same old Kev…sleeping ‘til noon, speaking in monosyllables, and worshiping junk food; there are also signs of a new Kev: one who runs up mountains, pumps iron, and kind of hugs his sister when visiting home.

Will’s acting career continues to play havoc with the family calendar and budget. We’ve been forced to pay cancellation fees for rescheduled vacations, flights and elective surgeries as well as to lie to teachers, directors, airlines, doctors, and probably some family members as a result of conflicts between simultaneous rehearsals and performances. When we told his vocal director that Nicki had broken her arm in order to get Will to another performance on time…I thought that we had sunk as low as we could go. But no. When he called to challenge us, and I ended up challenging him for challenging us (mind you, her arm was as good as new); I knew then that it was all over. I had become a stage mother. God help us all.

Nicki’s music interests continue to command a good chunk of our lesson dollars. She is currently the proud owner of an acoustic guitar, an electric guitar, an electric bass, a French horn, and a noisy parakeet named Doc. The high points of her year include the 7:00 AM rendition of “Happy Puberty Day to You” sung to her by her father on the morning of the sacred yet dreaded film…”Just around the Corner”. Also figuring high on the memorable moments list was our end of year party for 58 of her closest and most hormonal fifth grade friends…which culminated with Phil dunking one of the worst offenders into the basketball hoop.

After putting his back out last Christmas, Phil swore that he was going to get in shape. And get in shape he did. Between his personal trainer, my chiropractor, his golf instructor, my muscle activation therapist, his chiropractor, my pilates instructor, his muscle activation therapist, and my new treadmill, we have reduced the heft of his wallet by over 60%!

When my “Girls Weekend” in April was followed by a 5 day all-female canoe trip in September, rumor has it that there was some mild to moderate concern about the direction that my midlife crisis was taking me. When word got out that I was chaperoning the 2006 Colorado State Lesbian Convention last week in downtown Denver, all hell broke loose. “I SAID THESPIAN---- NOT LESBIAN”! I clarified.

There was a collective sigh…”phew”

The Actual Budget

Cost of ski house-Don’t ask. It must be at the top of the bubble if we are buying.

Cost of furniture-budget zero. But we bought the only unfurnished house in Breck.

Cost of lawyer-many thousands. Value added: zero.

Cost of cork screws-$500. Sounds high but we never want to be unprepared.

Cost of cancelled spring break flights-our integrity. Bald-faced lies without hesitation.

Cost of 7 photos of Cam with Disney Princesses-$10,000 (not including lunch with Ariel).

Cost of rental car damage charge after water bottle incident -Zero. We blamed it on a dog.

Cost of adding two drivers to our family insurance policy-precisely $4968 for starters.

Cost of adding two cars to our parking lot-about the same as our monthly Conoco bill.

Cost of paying out of pocket repairs for teen drivers’ fender benders to avoid even higher insurance policy-anybody know a place where we can get volume discounts? (Kevin gets his permit in April!)

Cost of Gretchen’s midlife crisis: new hair color, 45th birthday party, new hair color, low rise pants, new hair color, more expensive wine, new hair color, 5 day canoe trip, new hair color, registration fee for state lesbian convention….

Cost of Phil’s midlife crisis: cowboy boots, golf lesson, new sunglasses, golf lesson, personal trainer, golf lesson, teeth whitening, golf lesson, torn MCL resulting from wrestling match with 16 year old son, cancelled golf lesson, upgrade to first class to accomodate injury, therapy for depression resulting from cancelled golf lesson.

Enough about us, what about you?

Wishing you a healthy and happy holiday along with an financially uneventful New Year!
Please pray for our troops and for those in need around the world.

Much Love,
Cam, Nicki, Kevin, Will, Kris, Gretchen & Phil
(Cam was tired of being last)

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