Christmas 2003

To friends and family near and far,

Every year around the third week of November (just as merchants are setting up displays of Valentine’s candy), I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach which I optimistically attribute to the flu. I moan awhile, sigh a lot, curse out loud and try to figure out how long until the next person will throw up, how long until the last person will throw up, and how many loads of laundry will be involved in between those two events.

After a while of not throwing up, I decide to eat a few squares of ready-made cookie dough because, just in case I do throw up, it won’t really count. After a day or two I remember what is actually causing that sick feeling in my stomach…it’s time to write the annual Christmas letter. So I eat the rest of the ready-made cookie dough (all eighteen squares), drink a bottle of wine…okay maybe two… and here we go!

Christmas 2003: The Top Ten Reasons Why It’s Time For A Midlife Crisis

Reason #10: You’re the first one asleep on New Year’s Eve despite the fact that it’s only 7 o’clock Denver time, you’re at a Jamaican resort with lousy (but free) wine on every corner, and even eight year-old Nicki is ringing in the New Year ala Jimmy Buffet. Yes, we took the family away last year. An all-inclusive deal, or as Phil says, "all you can fit under your spandex", i.e. fat people with spray tans, false boobs, and multiple tattoos. Think Disneyworld partially clothed. The kids LOVED it; we were glad to get home.

Reason #9: In the space of a single week you’re mistaken for Cameron’s grandmother, asked if your children are all grown, and told that you look just like your mother.

#8: Your mother turns seventy.

Reason #7: Your husband begins primping more for his golf lessons with “Craig” than he does for date night with you. “ Do you think this golf shirt make me look fat?” Yes the obsession continues, but has reached new heights. Practice hours are up…as is his handicap. But he's happy as a girl with her first crush.

Reason #6: At your 20th college reunion, the kids offer to give up their allowance if only you don’t make them wear the free purple cow t-shirt.

Reason #5: When you walk into class on the first day of “going-back-to-school-for-an-art degree” the other students think you’re the instructor, listen to the same (horrifying) music as your kids, and mistake your crow’s feet for cool facial tattoos.

Reason #4: As you prepare to catch a flight to Maui for your first no-kids vacation in six years, your thirteen year-old son slaps you on the back with the advice “ practice safe sex”. This one hurt. By the way is sleeping considered “safe sex”? If so, we were fine.

Reason #3: Your dependable ketchup-loving, shower-shunning , hockey pad-smelling, comb-resisting, girl-hating eleven year-old asks you to pick him up some deodorant.
This is like a shift in the power of Congress. The ones that sweat are now in the majority. We are doomed.

Reason #2: Your four year old’s favored form of greeting is “Nice Butt, Dude” and he’s greeted by the girls at Starbucks as if he were Norm on Cheers. “CAMERON!!!” It gets better, he proceeds to order a triple venti non fat latte. When he pulls exact change out of his backpack, I’m retiring!

And Reason #1: …the number one reason why it’s time for a mid-life crisis: Your teenage daughter writes a funnier Christmas letter than you do. Highlights from Kristen’s letter:

• Kris meets five Jamaican hotties.
• Rent ghetto condo (IN VAIL) read: she has to share bathroom
• Dad invents brong (an innovative coupling of bra and thong –apparently already invented by Victoria's Secret)
• Kev wears deodorant
• Nicole makes list of hot third grade boys for family’s enlightenment
• Dad has affair with Craig
• Mom’s underwear sings (another invention from Victoria)
• Will’s underwear shows (recent symptom of teen boy low rider syndrome)
• Kris’underwear shrinks (recent teen girl phenomenon)
• Dad tries to get skinny
• Cam learns all the words to “Baby got Back” which include “would you look at her butt, it is so big” (Are you sensing a theme?)
• Kris has baby (actually “Baby Think About It” a three day “experiential learning doll” courtesy of the progressive health program at Graland…) hmm, if that had been around when we got married, we could have gotten by with my old Toyota Corolla!
• Dad puts foot down about buying a new house…ABSOLUTELY NOT!
• (See enclosed card for new address)

This year we are grateful for our loyal New York pals, our deepening Denver friendships, the memorable times with family including Steve’s wedding, Easter with Grandma, Mom’s seventieth, sleepovers at Uncle Chris’ house, Lollie & Pop-pop’s Denver visit, and our upcoming Florida reunion with Phil’s family for Christmas.

Wishing you all the peace and joy of the season as well as happiness and health in the New Year.

Love Gretchen, Phil, Kris, Will, Kevin, Nicole, and Cam.